How to Move On, Part 3

(If you have not read the part 1 and part 2 of How to Move On series, I recommend reading them first)

As I have stressed many times, the most important part of moving-on from a relationship is to release the, mostly negative, emotions from the past relationship. There are four steps of doing this, and these are:

1. Removing everything that can remind you of the person of the past relationship
2. Flushing out intense emotions
3. Releasing residual emotions
4. Having your own life

Remove everything that can remind you of the person of the past relationship

When you break up from a serious relationship, anything or anyone that can remind you of the person from that relationship can have the power to bring you back to the past. The less you encounter such an object, person, and etc., the more easily and the more quickly you will move on. If you don’t want to destroy the things from your past, have a box, put all those things into the box, and place the box somewhere you will not find for a while. If possible, also reduce the contact with people who can remind you of your previous partner. You become a hermit to the past, so to speak. When a relationship is over, it is over. Even if you will be back with the previous partner in the future, it is a very essential that you “conclude” first; You close a chapter of this relationship, so to speak. Until you feel that you are not much disturbed by the thoughts about your previous partner, maintain this hermit mode.

Flush out intense emotions

Right after a breakup, you are full of emotions. The intensity of these emotions is very strong, so there is no other way to deal with this than just letting them out. You feel anger about him or her, you yell, punch, or do whatever that works for you. If you feel like crying, just cry. Cry until you cannot cry. Nothing can help it. Just cry until that intense energy of grievance subdues. You may feel like contacting him or her out of the pain from the void that you feel inside. But, do not do it. That will just add more work for you to do. This phase is like a storm. There is nothing else you can do except just waiting for it to end. Let those intense emotions out, be a hermit to the past relationship, and wait for this phase to end.

Release residual emotions

Now that the intense emotions have been flushed out, it’s time for you to take care of residual emotions. You think about the past relationship, you identify the emotions you feel, then you release them one by one. I recommend two methods for this process. One is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and the other is The Sedona Method. For some people, EFT works better, and for some people, The Sedona Method works better. Try both methods, and find for yourself which one works better for you. Whichever method you use, it is important that you pick one emotion at a time and release it until you don’t feel it anymore. For an example, let’s say you remembered what your ex-boyfriend did on your last birthday when you thought about your past relationship with him. Let’s say you feel anger about it. Identify that anger, and release it using EFT, The Sedona Method, or any method of your choice. When you don’t feel that anger even when you think about what your ex-boyfriend did on your last birthday, then you will know that you have released that specific anger, and you can now move on to release the next emotion. Think about the relationship again, identify the first emotion that occurs to you, which is usually associated with a specific event from the relationship, and again release using EFT, The Sedona Method, or any method that works for you. These emotions often exist in layers. You can reach deeper emotions only when you have taken care of the outer, surface emotions. This phase can take some time, so be patient and persistent. Moving-on will take much less time this way than the time for you to move on when you carry these emotions along with you. Often, people don’t realize that they have not moved on after years; they are still tied to the past by those emotions accumulated in the past relationship.

Have your own life

This step goes together with the above three steps. When you break up, you have a void inside. Your previous partner has been occupying a certain space inside you, now he or she is gone, and you are left with the void. Don’t try to fill it by meeting him or her again. Again, this will just add more work for you to do. Instead, fill the void with your own life. Your hobby, your job, your family, your friend, your religion, your sports… Find your own identity. Most people lose their own identity in a serious relationship. Find it again. Fill the void with your own identity. Be whole by yourself. Keep yourself busy. And, don’t lose your identity again regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.
In summary, when you break up, immediately flushing out the intense emotions that you feel, cut the connection to the previous partner, start having back your life, keep yourself busy, and release the residual emotions. When you don’t feel much disturbed even when you become in contact with him or her, and when you can even smile at the past, then you will know that you have moved on. Then, you are ready for a new relationship, and this new relationship can have a healthy start. Depending on people, the time for moving-on varies, from weeks to months to years. If you cannot endure this moving-on period and go into another relationship before having moved on properly, you can go into the downward spiral of messy relationships. So, I strongly recommend against it.

Breaking up is painful. But, when it happens, I hope that my advice can be helpful to you.

Sincerely,
Rick